Tag Archives: Batman

Jimmy Olsen: “I am NOT dead.”

by

“The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

— Me (Also, Mark Twain)

WARNING: “Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice” SPOILERS(Although it happens in the first fifteen minutes and every major entertainment blog has reported on it so maybe it’s not???)! You have been warned…

I had been on the fence about whether or not to see the new Batman/Superman movie assaulting popular culture this weekend. On the one hand, I had heard I was a character in the film played by Scoot McNairy (false) and felt a narcissistic obligation to see how I was portrayed.

McNairy a truth to Scoot Jimmy reports.

McNairy a truth to Scoot Jimmy reports.

On the other hand, the entertainment budget of a cub reporter is small and I knew this movie was probably not going to be made for me after seeing Zack Snyder’s “Man of Steel.”

Superman pokes Batman in the teeth and the movie's over, right?

Superman pokes Batman in the teeth and the movie’s over, right?

Well, thankfully, Entertainment Weekly broke a story that helped me make my decision: I get shot in the head by an African warlord within the first reel of the film because I am an undercover CIA agent.

Uh… guess I’ll be seeing “Zootopia?”

Zack Snyder explains why he shot me in the head like this: “We just did it as this little aside because we had been tracking where we thought the movies were gonna go, and we don’t have room for Jimmy Olsen in our big pantheon of characters, but we can have fun with him, right?”

I don’t know what’s more disturbing: that I am murdered as an “aside” or that Mr. Snyder views this as “fun.”

Psst! Let's have some fun!

I enjoy killing people!

I get it. I don’t fit into this version of the DC Comics universe. Usually, filmmakers use me as an audience surrogate for young children to relate to, the kid who idolizes Superman and wants to be him.

Marc McClure rocking the gee whiz look.

Marc McClure rocking the gee whiz look.

Or as the super sexy man candy.

Totally valid interpretation of me. Also, totally valid interpretation of how to wear a t-shirt.

Totally valid interpretation of me. Also, totally valid interpretation of how to wear a t-shirt.

But since these movies clearly aren’t being made with children in mind and since no one in their right mind would want to be this version of Superman it makes sense not to use me in the story.

"I want to break Zod's neck for Halloween, mommy!" -- all the kids

“I want to break Zod’s neck for Halloween, mommy!” — all the kids

But to unceremoniously blow my brains out instead of, say, not having me in the movie at all? I would say, “I bid you good day, sir,” but I have more to say on the matter.

Behold the Dawn of Jimmy's Justice!

Behold! The Dawn of Jimmy’s Justice!

First, let me reassure you, gentle reader, I’m totally not dead. I have not been executed by an African warlord. I’m fine. Really. In fact, I’m not even named in the theatrical cut of the movie. The only way you know it’s me was if you read the credits. But even then things aren’t always what they seem.

I love Batman doing a face slap here.

I love Batman doing a face slap here.

Take for example the time Robin and I fooled Batman and Superman into thinking we were dead.

I'm assuming they at least make a huge statue in honor of me in the movie, right?

I’m assuming they at least make a huge statue in honor of me in the movie, right?

That probably what’s going on here.

Say what you will about the Joker, it is not easy to write clearly on clothing.

Say what you will about the Joker, it is not easy to write clearly on clothing.

Robin faked his death at the hands of the joker, disguised himself as an African warlord, and shot a magic gun at me that released a hallucinogenic drug that made Lois Lane think I was killed. What’s that? You don’t think white boy Dick Grayson can successfully disguise himself as an African warlord???

Uh...moving on.

Uh…moving on.

There is some truth to the fact that I am an undercover super-spy but if I was truly in trouble I could have used some of my super-duper gadgets to kick some African warlord ass.

What's that? You want to shoot me in the head? Okay, just lean in and check out my super cool lapel...ha! Lasered you!

What’s that? You want to shoot me in the head? Okay, just lean in and check out my super cool lapel…Ha! Lasered you!

In any case, relax. If Warner Brothers ever gets their act together with their movie universe and decides to make a movie with “room” for me or Dick Grayson we can still come out to play.

How it should have ended: with Robin and me staring mindlessly at the Bottle City of Kandor.

In any case, thank you, Zack Snyder, for providing me the opportunity to write about your movie without having to spend the money to go see it.

Alonzo Scarns, Worst Housewarming Gift Giver Ever

Alonzo Scarns, Worst Housewarming Gift Giver Ever

ALSO, YOU SHOT ME IN THE HEAD AS A FUN ASIDE???

Superman Spanks-a-lot

by

“He may be a super man, but that doesn’t mean he’s a good man.” 

— me just now (pretty good, right???)

First off, apologies for the radio silence. Things got crazy with the holidays and then I got stuck in the bottle city of Kandor for a while and then I was kidnapped by the Anti-Superman Gang and then I switched consciousness’s with a gorilla (AGAIN) and then I caught a cold which had me on the ropes for a few weeks. You get it.

In any event, let’s talk about Superman’s super disturbing spanking fetish.

sp1

Let’s be clear: there’s nothing wrong with a little spanking between consenting adults. But that is NOT what we’re talking about here. These are clearly nonconsensual physical assaults.

Superman-spanks-and-gets-away-with-it

See?

And there are a lot of them.

gu9ygqwtd12oy2c98yaj

I’m not altering these in any way.

Superman has argued that these women were criminals and he was merely dispensing justice but has he ever infantilized and humiliated Lex Luthor, Brainiac, or the Ultra-Humanite in a similar fashion?

4392b2ae8f2782538e424ee5510990ab

This is legitimately disturbing, right?

Let’s give Superman the benefit of the doubt for a moment and say these aren’t really assaults but fair and proportional justice doled out to these women.

10332928

What does that say exactly about Superman’s feelings about women? What have non-sexual spankings traditionally been reserved for? Punishing children, right?

superduper2

He was in the middle of making dinner here.

So basically, Superman thinks of these female criminals as intellectual and emotional children, unworthy of the serious attention of the criminal justice system, and decides to take the matter into his own hands (literally)

Sometimes he just likes to watch.

Well, sometimes he just likes to watch.

In this best case scenario of Superman’s intentions, he is depriving these women of their basic human rights. It would be like him sentencing criminals to an eternity in a timeless prison dimension wormhole without due process. Oh, wait…

380813

Where does Superman’s obsession with corporal punishment stem from? Could it be something to do with his daddy issues?

spank-jorel

This doesn’t need a caption, does it?

Or his other daddy issues?

Superboy055-728114

Smallville High discontinued the “Parent Principal For A Day” shortly after this photo leaked.

Or his Best Boy Pal who went back in time and became his babysitter issues?

Kryptonian Fred MacMurray at the other table is totally judging my parenting skills.

I am not without fault.

Or his President Eisenhower issues?

I like Ike.

I like Ike.

The sad truth is, probably none of these things are at the root of Superman’s psychological issues. Well, maybe they are but I don’t think his psychological issues are the root of the real problem: Superman is not an outlier.

He may be a liar and a creep who spanks women and pimps out his cousin to kiss dudes suffering from werewolf curses (namely me) but he is also the norm. Misogyny is a systemic problem in the super hero community. Everyone from Batman…

batmanspanking

Never meet your heroes.

…to Captain Marvel…

captain_marvel_adventures_wheaties_spanking_panel

Shazam!

…to Superman’s robot slaves  (more on them another time)…

superman spanks lois

…to even paragons of feminism like Wonder Woman…

0efb6ccc7ed9f5aa2f159a64ae7fb97d

…and Supergirl are purveyors of this “old-fashioned” lesson teaching.

Page_25

Is he smiling?

The real villain here is a culture that dehumanizes and minimizes women and makes people think this kind of behavior is permissible.

And also, Superman’s the villain too. Superman’s a jerk.

 

 

 

Lies Superman Told Me

by

We all lie. Sometimes out of empathy, other times vanity or shame. Not all lies are necessarily sinister but when your best friend lies to you ALL THE TIME maybe you should consider if they’re really a friend…

One of Superman's hilarious psychological pranks!

One of Superman’s hilarious psychological pranks!

Last time, I suggested Superman may have been lying when he said I was once his babysitter on Krypton but didn’t remember it because I’d lost my memory when traveling back to my own time and planet. What reason would I have to doubt Superman’s veracity? He’s my best friend, right?

jimmymeetssm

The problem is over the years I’ve discovered Superman lies. A lot.

See.

Foam rubber is super convincing.

Often he lies because he’s fighting a mind reader and can’t trust my super-weak brain not to have my thoughts read. More often, he just doesn’t trust my acting ability and doesn’t let me in on his plan so that I will perform realistically.

No, really. Rubber masks really are super-realistic.

No, really. Rubber masks are very effective disguises.

Sometimes he will lie to teach me a “lesson.” Like the time I lost my voice and some hunters mistook me for a “Jungle Boy” and “Clark” pretended not to recognize me.

I sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!  Sure did learn my lesson about shirking guard duty that day!

Other times, the reasons are less clear. One time, he, Lois, Perry White and everyone in my life got together and acted like they didn’t know me.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

These people are supposed to be my friends.

That’s right. THEY PRETENDED LIKE I DIDN’T EXIST.

Jimmy_Olsen-025-23

It’s like “It’s A Wonderful Life” but without me wishing I never existed and with lying instead of magic.

Why would my friends psychologically torture me? FOR MY OWN GOOD, OF COURSE.

Hopefully, we don't drive him insane.

By far Superman’s biggest and most dangerous lie is his secret identity. He lies about who he is to the entire world. He claims it’s to protect his loved ones, which makes sense. If his enemies knew who he was they could go after his friends and family. So why not tell your friends and family said secret identity? He uses the same argument: it’s for our safety.

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Whatever you say, Superman! You know best!

Here’s the thing though: I’m already a target. The entire world knows me as Superman’s “Best Boy Pal.” Lois Lane is allegedly his girlfriend of sorts. The world knows this. Bad guys know this. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been kidnapped, attached, brainwashed, or given a computer brain by Superman’s nemeses.

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

Say what you want about Brainiac but he is WORKING those short shorts!

In fact, he would rather put my life in jeopardy with his lies than have me know who he is. Like that time he made me think I could fly with magic wings.

Superbreath is supergross.

Superbreath is supergross.

Or that time he made me think I could breathe under water.

You're right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

You’re right. This is much easier than letting me know who you are.

"Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole."

“Okay, thanks for giving me the bends, a-hole.”

Oh, sure, he recently told me who he really was after seventy-five years (I pretended like I didn’t already know).

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

How long before this gets erased from my memory?

Why the secrecy? Here I can only speculate but I can tell you the thought that’s popped up in my head more than once over the years, the thought that I’ve told myself couldn’t possibly be true: He’s not my friend. He doesn’t trust me. I’m actually a decoy. Just like Batman dressing up his teenage partner is bright red and yellow to jump around rooftops on school nights, I am there to distract criminals from going after whoever Superman really cares for.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

Time for a new Robin, I guess.

It makes a disturbing amount of sense and would explain why he might seek out an unworldly, naïve teenager with no family or friends and tell him an amazing story about how said teen saved his life when he was a baby and he was going to reward him with his friendship. It would also explain why he wants to keep me alive. If I get killed, he’ll have to find a replacement.

Then again, he’d still have Lois.